|Just laugh and back away slowly.|
....did somebody say FABULOUS?
Until next week, when we'll see Vicki and Tamra's confrontation at (where else?) Heather's party. Dun dun dun....
|Just laugh and back away slowly.|
Posted by Ensley at 8:42 PM
|From top left: Megan and Katie, mimosa cheers, the sexy chefs, monogrammed wine coozies|
Posted by Ensley at 8:54 AM
Posted by Haughty by Nature at 8:00 AM
There's a few obvious differences between a twenty-first birthday party and a twenty-seventh birthday party, namely:
|Me, the 'rents, and a very clever balloon #wheresthebeerpong|
|Devil eyes courtesy of iPhone flash #yourewelcome|
|If you can't get married, throw a 27th birthday party. But really.|
Posted by Haughty by Nature at 7:14 PM
So...I took a mental health day from work today. Which probably benefited the students as much as it did me, since I find myself saying things like this...
|It's difficult being so intelligent and well read. Really.|
Posted by Haughty by Nature at 5:56 PM
I spent the last two weeks of August furiously preparing my classroom for new students. (Yes, T. and J. are among them.) I stapled things to bulletin boards. I organized books by content and reading level. I ordered journals and a carpet for my reading area (thanks, Donors Choose!). I planned lessons on goal setting and perseverance. And after all that, I've discovered the one thing that gets my students more excited to learn than anything else.
The fact that I'm single.
In my 6th grade class, I overheard a whispered "Ms. G ain't got no boyfriend? I bet she wants to be married. I KNOW womens."
The first thing J. asked me when he walked in was "Ms. G, you still lonely?" (By "lonely", he meant single. So I guess the only correct answer is yes. Please excuse me while I jump off the nearest building.)
My 7th graders informed me that I'm going to "have to get used to dating rednecks" if I ever wanted to find someone. This was in the middle of our goal-setting lesson, which I guess is fitting since it's my goal to never, ever date a redneck.
My 8th graders asked why I'd noted in my syllabus that parents should call me before 8pm if they needed to reach me on my cell phone.
"SHE GOTTA TALK TO HER BOYFRIEND AT 8PM, Y'ALL!" shouted one of my girls.
"Ms. G ain't got no boyfriend, fool!" replied another girl.
"Oh, then why we can't call you after 8pm Ms. G?"
Perhaps because (and I know this is hard to believe) I need at least an hour a day when I'm not thinking about work. Shocking, I know.
Sigh. Did I mention we've only gotten through the first week?
Posted by Haughty by Nature at 10:01 AM
I guess most of us don't escape adolescence without a little tarnish on our precious halos.
For some, it's those teased bangs that you insisted were still in long after everyone else was buying flat irons. Or putting off breaking up with your boyfriend because you really needed a date for Semi-formal.
Mine just happens to be an teensy-weensy, insignificant run-in with the law.
Believe it, y'all.
It's not like I'm not some hardened criminal, but I did happen to take a sip of a cranberry and vodka while underage....and right in front of an undercover officer. Apparently a "My bad, yo!" when they confronted me wasn't sufficient.
Plus I'm a scaredy-cat and 'fessed up quick. That didn't seem to help, either.
(How embarrassing was it that I was drinking cranberry and vodka? I might as well have just tattooed UNDERAGE on my forehead. Lame.)
Anyways, ever since that fateful night seven years ago, I have to check "yes" on any job or school application that asks me whether or not I've ever been charged with a misdemeanor. Then not only do I have to cough up cash for a background check, but also submit a "written explanation" of the incident to whatever institution is reviewing my application.
It usually goes something like this:
"On the night of October 5, 2005, I took a sip of a friend's alcoholic drink while at a Homecoming event. I was promptly escorted outside by an undercover officer, where I was arrested and charged with underage drinking. I pleaded no contest, completed 8.5 hours of community service, and the charges were dropped."
How much of a loser do I sound like?
Here's what it should actually say:
"Well, Dear Reader, I was pretty devastated because I was on social probation from my sorority after getting caught taking tequila shots in the house. (Note to self: Shouting "TEQUILA MAKES MY CLOTHES FALL OFF!" at 9pm on a Wednesday is an easy way to attract attention to yourself. Learned that lesson the hard way!) Since I was banned from all sorority Homecoming events, I decided to hit up a fraternity function at a local bar. I happened to take a sip of a friend's cranberry and vodka when she turned her back, at which point two good looking young gentleman came and tapped me on the shoulder. I started batting my eyelashes, but realized something was amiss when they led myself and two friends out to the sidewalk, at which point they started reading me my rights, Miranda-style. It was straight out of a Law & Order episode, let me tell you! Since we were obviously dangerous criminals, they decided to handcuff us to each other, the reasoning for which is still unclear to me all these years later. I'm pretty sure three sobbing 19 year olds aren't going to try and make a run for it.
Since I knew my parents would make pigs fly before they paid the $125 fine for me, I opted (with my bestie) to do the 8.5 hours of community service option instead. We rolled up to the downtown courthouse circa 7am, where they loaded us into a van with some very intimidating looking men. We went to a middle school where we spent the day sweeping under bleachers, playing HORSE in the gym, and discovering that pretty much everyone else was there due to serious drug charges. We tried to make up a lie about getting in a bar fight to make us sound tough, but no one believed us and called us nicknames like Vanilla and Sprinkles. Rude.
Anyways, this was all an incredible learning experience. Since that life-altering day, I reevaluated my life choices and devoted myself to religious devotion and simplicity. (Well, not really, but I do go to church and I just gave away a bunch of clothes to Goodwill.) But seriously: my "cop-dar" has become much better and I haven't gotten caught for a single thing, minus those few speeding tickets I got while listening to the audiobook of 50 Shades of Grey.
I hope you'll still accept my application to (company/university). Can't fault a girl for liking to have a good time, right?
The second one is waaaaay better. Plus honesty IS the best policy, right? (Right?!?!)
Posted by Haughty by Nature at 8:05 AM