RHOC: They're Baaaaaack!

And as bitchy as ever. (Thank God.)

I can't really explain why, but Real Housewives of Orange County has always been my favorite of the franchise. (Plus there was that day that Heather Dubrow retweeted this link and made my life complete forever.) 

No matter that most of them are always in some sort of financial trouble and probably have about as much money in the bank as I do (minus my BFF Dubrow, obvi), I can't get enough. Maybe I'm jealous that they're constantly drinking white wine while overlooking the Pacific. Maybe I love to see whose face can change the most from season to season. Like all of the best things in life, it's a mystery. 

Speaking of face changes, my least favorite OC Housewife Vicki (oh wait, my second to least favorite...I forgot about Alexis) has gone and gotten herself a chin implant, or what I like to call a "chimplant". 

Whatever you call it, it's bad. Real bad. Just look at Gretchie-poo's face when she sees it:

{Source: Bravo}

Um...yeah. It probably didn't help that that Vicki's first scene of the season was of her make-up free and moving furniture. Ouch.

{Source: Bravo}

Since I'm pretty sure production gave her a heads up as to when they would start filming, I have no idea why her faced hadn't "settled" (aka calmed the hell down) by the time she was appearing on the show. 

Thought to give her credit, she did look A LOT better that night on WWHL:

But still. (Shudders).

Everyone's favorite intellectuals wannabes made a (thankfully) short appearance, but still long enough for Jim to remind us all that he controls everything that Alexis does and wears! How sweet.

Just laugh and back away slowly. 

Honestly, it was sort of the same-old, same old, until...wait...

....did somebody say FABULOUS?

{Source: Bravo}

Mrs. Dubrow is still the most faboosh of the group, natch. Why couldn't they cut the scene of Vicki moving couches and let us see more of her party planning?

Until next week, when we'll see Vicki and Tamra's confrontation at (where else?) Heather's party. Dun dun dun....

Easter in Edenton

Confession: It's been a few years since I celebrated Easter (cue the lighting striking me down). 

There, I said it. Like most holidays, it's just not the same to celebrate it without your family. (Plus, the pastel eggs and bunnies creep me out in a major way.)

This year, my friend/neighbor Megan and her sorority sister Katie would be in town for the weekend, which gave me a good excuse to take off my sweatpants make Easter plans. 

Plans which involved church, vegan pancakes, and lots and lots of champagne. #duh

From top left: Megan and Katie, mimosa cheers, the sexy chefs, monogrammed wine coozies

After talking Megs out of attending the sunrise service (child, please), we crammed into the 11 o'clock, where we were so late we sat on folding chairs with nary a prayer book or hymnal. (Oops.)

Afterwards, we set about making brunch. And by "making brunch", I mean we drank buckets of mimosas while I made really terrible vegan pancakes that took about 30 minutes to cook...each. (Not joking.) When finished, they tasted a bit like rubber from the bottom of a shoe. (But we covered them with syrup and ate them anyways.) 

Megan and I, being the small town folk that we are, continued to squeal "This is so FUN!" like losers at three minute intervals while our guest looked on patiently. (We're easily entertained.) By mid-afternoon, we were sprawled on the couch, full and happy. 

"So...what should we do now?" asked Katie.

Megan and I glanced at each other. Erm....ha ha, well....

This is sort of it. 

More champagne?

A Drive-by Listen...50 Shades of Grey

Ok, I'll admit it: I'm a follower. 

Never the first one to jump on the bandwagon for anything, I wait until 99% of America has read/watched/worn something before I go along with it. (Examples: Facebook. Mad Men. Skinny jeans.) 

To hasten my downward spiral into Loserville: Fifty Shades of Grey. 

As someone who rolled her eyes throughout the first two Twilight books and then gave up on reading the series altogether, my lame-o follower tendencies don't usually pertain in the book department. While I need people to help me navigate clothing trends, reading is pretty much the only thing I've been naturally good at since the age of 5. I'm Olympic level, really. 

But seriously. I just had to know what all the fuss was about. 

Since I have a 30 minute, rural-highway commute to work, I made the super unwise choice to download it on audio book.

Huge mistake, y'all. Huge.

First of all, whoever they had read this book realllly likes to annunciate the last consonant of every single word. Plus, I get that the character is really Bella from Twilight, and I despise Bella from Twilight. This whole "I'm completely awkward and nerdy and all the boys are miraculously in love with me" thing is getting old. I've been awkward and nerdy for the past 26 years, and no sexy vampires or bajillionare CEOs are knocking down my door.

Just saying.

And, while some of this story might be sexy, it's a whole other ball game when you are listening to someone read it. (The word "gross" comes to mind.)

But that obviously didn't stop me, since on a recent trip from Charlotte to Edenton I m-a-y have been listening to it when I got pulled over for a speeding ticket. A "going 60 in a 45 zone" speeding ticket.

If I could have spoken through my tears, here's what I would have said:

My bad, officer. See, I was, uh, a teensy bit distracted. See there's this thing called a "Red Room of Pain" that Anna was going into. It's not really painful, per se, if you're into that sort of thing. Not that I'm asking if you're into that sort of thing. Anyways, they just went in there and he's making her say "Yes, sir" and "No, sir" to him like he's, well, a police officer or something. And not only is she a really annoying character, but I find this whole submissive thing very strange. I mean, what about women's lib and all that? Is this what we've been reduced to? Saying "Yes, sir" and getting smacked with riding crops? What would Susan B. Anthony say? And how the heck are they going to make this into a movie without it being rated X? I really don't get it. Anyways, needless to say I COMPLETELY missed that 45 mph sign back there, but I promise not to do it again. (Smiles.) Did I mention I'm a Special Education teacher? 

E.L. James? You owe me $218.00.

And my dignity.

Follow Your Arrow

There's a few obvious differences between a twenty-first birthday party and a twenty-seventh birthday party, namely:

#1: At your twenty-seventh birthday, guests are gone by midnight, at which point you've also wiped down the counters and taken out the recycling. (Note: you are completely ok with this.)

#2: There's neither a keg or shot glass in sight, but your own parents might ask where the beer pong table is located. (Answer: not here.)

Me, the 'rents, and a very clever balloon #wheresthebeerpong

#3: Not only do the cops not show up, but you don't give them a reason to. 

Obviously I have a few things to improve upon in the party-planning department in the next 363 days.  

On the other hand, after two years of living out in the sticks, I had a lot more leverage when asking (more like begging) my friends to drive up from Charlotte and Charleston to come and celebrate with me.

By "leverage", I mean I may have said something similar to this:

I mean, I'm turning 27 and I live an hour and a half away from a Target and you guys are all married or have boyfriends and I'm probably going to die alone because all the guys out here wear camo as their everyday clothing and I have to look at people with feathered bangs on a daily basis and...

You get the picture. It was embarrassing. 

But it worked. 

Devil eyes courtesy of iPhone flash #yourewelcome

Even Royar from My Life As a Young Southern Prep made an appearance...(it helps that she's my cousin)...

In fact, with all of the out of town guests and local friends that showed up to the Castle de Haughty on Saturday night, I'd say we had nearly 1/4 of Edenton's population concentrated in one place. (Not joking.)

My beautiful friend Louann threw me an amazing post-birthday brunch Sunday morning, which pretty much made me feel like a celeb and cemented her as Edenton's premier party planner. 

The fact that 99% of my presents were either monogrammed or Lilly (sometimes both) only continues to prove my point that 27 equals #winning.  

If you can't get married, throw a 27th birthday party. But really.

And speaking of #winning, I'll send you off with my new obsession/theme song, courtesy of Kasey Musgraves: 

Follow your arrow, wherever it points.

HbN

Please Stop Staring at My...Stack

So...I took a mental health day from work today. Which probably benefited the students as much as it did me, since I find myself saying things like this...

...on a far too frequent basis. Among other things.

First on my list? Pancakes for breakfast, pajamas until 2:00, and hours and hours of Downton Abbey. (Puh-LEASE remind me why I wasn't born with a trust fund so that I could make this a daily habit? Sigh.) 

Eventually, I realized that if my roommates came home and found me, they may have though I was teetering on the border of depression and despair. I needed to get dressed. I needed to get out of bed. I needed human interaction. (I also needed a drink, but I figured that wouldn't look good when the roommates got home either.) So I ran a brush through my hair, slapped on a headband and some semblance of an outfit, and decided to walk downtown. 

I wandered into our little local library and had just pulled "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" off the fiction shelves when a tall, 30-something year old man in a windbreaker walked past me, did a double take, and meandered over to me.

Really?

"What book you got there?" he asked nonchalantly. 

Well, by the words on this here cover I'm going to say it's called "T-h-e B-e-s-t E-x-o-t-i-c M-a-r-i-g-o-l-d H-o-t-e-l". You can go away now. "It's called the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel," I said, trying not to roll my eyes. Why can't Ryan Gosling look-a-likes ever have this reaction to me?

"See, I might write this title down. You say this is a good book?"

Well, seeing as how I'm pulling it off the shelf in the library, I haven't actually read it. I bet it's better than standing here and talking to you though. "I'm not sure. I guess I'll find out."

He (amazingly) continued: "See, what I'm going to do is write this down. 'Cuz I'm not from around here, I'm just staying with my mother while she's sick, see. So what I'm going to do is write this down, and then when I come back I'm going to check it out."

Me: Nodding. Just. Keep. Nodding. Please, please, PLEASE stop talking. 

"See, my mom wants me to move here, but I'm like, there's nothing to DO around here. You gotta go to Elizabeth City to get something to EAT, you gotta go to Virginia just to have a little FUN, I'm like 'I can't move here, mom'". 

Not engaging in conversation. Not engaging in conversation."....Yeah. Well, good luck finding a book!" 

Dude: "Hold up, let me go and get a pen and paper." 

Oh. Hell. No. As soon as he disappeared I shoved the book back on the shelf and bolted. Unfortunately, there's a thing you need to know about small libraries: there's not many places to bolt to, especially from weirdos who live with their mom. 

I'd gotten through a few aisles and managed to collect the following...

It's difficult being so intelligent and well read. Really.

...when I heard the familiar swish of his windbreaker as he strolled towards me. Sigh. 

He LITERALLY had a pen and paper in his hand. "What was the name of that book again?" I told him (for the third time). He gazed at my Positive Discipline book. "Why are you reading that?' he asked as he tenderly stroked the spine. (The book's, not mine.) 

I am SO not having this conversation slash I do not want you to have any inkling of where I am employed. This is the part where desperation took over: "I...um...I have a teenager. Yep. I'm a mom! She's twelve. My daughter. I mean thirteen. I'm a mom!" I blubbered.

Low point. 

Dude (nodding his head empathetically): "Wow. You have a teenager? I can't believe it. Wow. Well good for you, being all positive discipline and all. I mean, the world is a tough place these days. I mean, take me for instance. I'm not here trying to hit on you, though you are definitely attractive." He chose that moment to lean in verrry close and whisper: "I like black women."

Well that settles it. I don't like freakazoids that probably have skin suits in their basements, and you don't like Caucasians. What a shame! Good thing there's plenty of fish in the library sea! 

This is what I get for leaving the house. #neveragain

Readin', Writin', and Relationship Status

I spent the last two weeks of August furiously preparing my classroom for new students. (Yes, T. and J. are among them.) I stapled things to bulletin boards. I organized books by content and reading level. I ordered journals and a carpet for my reading area (thanks, Donors Choose!). I planned lessons on goal setting and perseverance. And after all that, I've discovered the one thing that gets my students more excited to learn than anything else.

The fact that I'm single.

In my 6th grade class, I overheard a whispered "Ms. G ain't got no boyfriend? I bet she wants to be married. I KNOW womens."

The first thing J. asked me when he walked in was "Ms. G, you still lonely?" (By "lonely", he meant single. So I guess the only correct answer is yes. Please excuse me while I jump off the nearest building.)

My 7th graders informed me that I'm going to "have to get used to dating rednecks" if I ever wanted to find someone. This was in the middle of our goal-setting lesson, which I guess is fitting since it's my goal to never, ever date a redneck.

My 8th graders asked why I'd noted in my syllabus that parents should call me before 8pm if they needed to reach me on my cell phone.

"SHE GOTTA TALK TO HER BOYFRIEND AT 8PM, Y'ALL!"  shouted one of my girls. 

"Ms. G ain't got no boyfriend, fool!" replied another girl. 

"Oh, then why we can't call you after 8pm Ms. G?"

Perhaps because (and I know this is hard to believe) I need at least an hour a day when I'm not thinking about work. Shocking, I know.

Sigh. Did I mention we've only gotten through the first week?

Sorry for Partying

I guess most of us don't escape adolescence without a little tarnish on our  precious halos.

For some, it's those teased bangs that you insisted were still in long after everyone else was buying flat irons. Or putting off breaking up with your boyfriend because you really needed a date for Semi-formal.

Mine just happens to be an teensy-weensy, insignificant run-in with the law.

Believe it, y'all. 

It's not like I'm not some hardened criminal, but I did happen to take a sip of a cranberry and vodka while underage....and right in front of an undercover officer. Apparently a "My bad, yo!" when they confronted me wasn't sufficient.

Plus I'm a scaredy-cat and 'fessed up quick. That didn't seem to help, either.

(How embarrassing was it that I was drinking cranberry and vodka? I might as well have just tattooed UNDERAGE on my forehead. Lame.)

Anyways, ever since that fateful night seven years ago, I have to check "yes" on any job or school application that asks me whether or not I've ever been charged with a misdemeanor. Then not only do I have to cough up cash for a background check, but also submit a "written explanation" of the incident to whatever institution is reviewing my application.

It usually goes something like this:
"On the night of October 5, 2005, I took a sip of a friend's alcoholic drink while at a Homecoming event. I was promptly escorted outside by an undercover officer, where I was arrested and charged with underage drinking. I pleaded no contest, completed 8.5 hours of community service, and the charges were dropped."

How much of a loser do I sound like?

Here's what it should actually say:
"Well, Dear Reader, I was pretty devastated because I was on social probation from my sorority after getting caught taking tequila shots in the house. (Note to self: Shouting "TEQUILA MAKES MY CLOTHES FALL OFF!" at 9pm on a Wednesday is an easy way to attract attention to yourself. Learned that lesson the hard way!) Since I was banned from all sorority Homecoming events, I decided to hit up a fraternity function at a local bar. I happened to take a sip of a friend's cranberry and vodka when she turned her back, at which point two good looking young gentleman came and tapped me on the shoulder. I started batting my eyelashes, but realized something was amiss when they led myself and two friends out to the sidewalk, at which point they started reading me my rights, Miranda-style. It was straight out of a Law & Order episode, let me tell you! Since we were obviously dangerous criminals, they decided to handcuff us to each other, the reasoning for which is still unclear to me all these years later. I'm pretty sure three sobbing 19 year olds aren't going to try and make a run for it. 


Since I knew my parents would make pigs fly before they paid the $125 fine for me, I opted (with my bestie) to do the 8.5 hours of community service option instead. We rolled up to the downtown courthouse circa 7am, where they loaded us into a van with some very intimidating looking men. We went to a middle school where we spent the day sweeping under bleachers, playing HORSE in the gym, and discovering that pretty much everyone else was there due to serious drug charges. We tried to make up a lie about getting in a bar fight to make us sound tough, but no one believed us and called us nicknames like Vanilla and Sprinkles. Rude.


Anyways, this was all an incredible learning experience. Since that life-altering day, I reevaluated my life choices and devoted myself to religious devotion and simplicity. (Well, not really, but I do go to church and I just gave away a bunch of clothes to Goodwill.) But seriously: my "cop-dar" has become much better and I haven't gotten caught for a single thing, minus those few speeding tickets I got while listening to the audiobook of 50 Shades of Grey. 


I hope you'll still accept my application to (company/university). Can't fault a girl for liking to have a good time, right?


Sincerely yours, 
Ensley

The second one is waaaaay better. Plus honesty IS the best policy, right? (Right?!?!)