Ok, I'll admit it: I'm a follower.
Never the first one to jump on the bandwagon for anything, I wait until 99% of America has read/watched/worn something before I go along with it. (Examples: Facebook. Mad Men. Skinny jeans.)
To hasten my downward spiral into Loserville: Fifty Shades of Grey.
As someone who rolled her eyes throughout the first two Twilight books and then gave up on reading the series altogether, my lame-o follower tendencies don't usually pertain in the book department. While I need people to help me navigate clothing trends, reading is pretty much the only thing I've been naturally good at since the age of 5. I'm Olympic level, really.
But seriously. I just had to know what all the fuss was about.
Huge mistake, y'all. Huge.
First of all, whoever they had read this book realllly likes to annunciate the last consonant of every single word. Plus, I get that the character is really Bella from Twilight, and I despise Bella from Twilight. This whole "I'm completely awkward and nerdy and all the boys are miraculously in love with me" thing is getting old. I've been awkward and nerdy for the past 26 years, and no sexy vampires or bajillionare CEOs are knocking down my door.
And, while some of this story might be sexy, it's a whole other ball game when you are listening to someone read it. (The word "gross" comes to mind.)
But that obviously didn't stop me, since on a recent trip from Charlotte to Edenton I m-a-y have been listening to it when I got pulled over for a speeding ticket. A "going 60 in a 45 zone" speeding ticket.
If I could have spoken through my tears, here's what I would have said:
My bad, officer. See, I was, uh, a teensy bit distracted. See there's this thing called a "Red Room of Pain" that Anna was going into. It's not really painful, per se, if you're into that sort of thing. Not that I'm asking if you're into that sort of thing. Anyways, they just went in there and he's making her say "Yes, sir" and "No, sir" to him like he's, well, a police officer or something. And not only is she a really annoying character, but I find this whole submissive thing very strange. I mean, what about women's lib and all that? Is this what we've been reduced to? Saying "Yes, sir" and getting smacked with riding crops? What would Susan B. Anthony say? And how the heck are they going to make this into a movie without it being rated X? I really don't get it. Anyways, needless to say I COMPLETELY missed that 45 mph sign back there, but I promise not to do it again. (Smiles.) Did I mention I'm a Special Education teacher?
E.L. James? You owe me $218.00.
And my dignity.